12 May Celebrating Motherhood
How motherhood has been. You want them to sleep but when they are eventually asleep, you start to miss them, take out your phone and go through all the photos you’ve taken that day or the day before, or months before. You want them to start rolling, sitting, crawling but when they became mobile you wish they were still a blob so you don’t have to spend the whole day chasing them around. You feel like a jersey cow feeding so many times a day but when they start having solids and drinking less, you feel sad as if you have become less important and less needed. You desperately need a nap and you promise yourself to have one when baby goes for a nap. But when he is finally down for a nap, you decide to take out the to do list and start doing other things, but a nap. You can finally sit down and have the first meal of the day by yourself at 2pm, but you rather wait until baby gets up and share your meal with them. You just want a break from baby and have some me time. But the moment you get to be away, you feel guilty that you want to be apart from your baby. You want to go back to work but you are afraid that you will be missing important milestones. You see a really nice thing you want to buy, you thought about it, walked away then the next minute you found yourself buying something for the baby without a second thought. You want to go out on a Friday night just like the old days but you are just as happy to be in settle into the weekend and catch an early sleep. Some days you feel like a superwoman acing feeds, sleeps, work, chores, social life and have meals ready at appropriate times. Some days you feel like absolute shit when nothing was right and you think ‘what have I got myself into?’. Things can get tough but with those smiles and eye contacts let you know you are the most special person to them (for now anyway) and vice versa, nothing else matters.
This is the first time I sat down and really think about motherhood, on mother’s day eve. 9.5 months of motherhood is gone and I’ve forgotten so many things that happened in the early days. I tried so hard to remember everything but oh that baby brain is still there. Charlie, please stop growing up so fast so I can hold onto those wet kisses, cuddles, neediness, babiness a little longer. And, thank you for giving me this experience to be a mother.